And...
I thought the sunset was pretty from the ground looking up! It is quite breathtaking above the cloud line (No, I didn't use my super powers to fly…I'm on a plane). What a refreshing change of perception. Now if this is not a symbolic backdrop to what proceeds than I don't know what is. Seeing this sunset on the other side of the clouds has sparked my articulation of my journey of this year so far. I have adopted a lot of new perceptions. I really feel that God has blessed me with that recently. About 4 months ago I was right in the muck of confusion. I was looking at three amazing opportunities: Youth with a Mission discipleship school (YWAM) in Australia, nursing school, or finishing my bachelors in what exactly…I didn't know. I was struggling to feel God leading me in my decisions for this next big step. Doors would open, so I'd walk through thinking yeah! This is it, but nothing was really feeling "right". I didn't really feel at peace with any of my self created options. I knew what I desired, but how exactly God would make it happen, I had no idea. I felt as though I was looking for God in all the ways and places I anticipated him to be based solely off of my personal perceptions, hopes, and dreams. But see…looking back that was just my problem. My focus was so fixated on finding Him in places I thought he would be. Right…like God really likes to be predictable? I should have known different! Of all the options, YWAM had God written all over it…and because of that I let my curiosity for the mission field take center stage. I was enthralled with the idea of doing a YWAM discipleship training school in Australia come January. In hindsight I see that my selfish motives of adventure rested conveniently under the shade of a umbrella that God likes to call "the great commission". Sure, I wanted to do a YWAM to fall more in love with Jesus, study the gospel, and preach the good news…but I'd be lying if the waves, vegimite, and kangaroos weren't a major pull…not to mention living in a gorgeous third world country. So…after many months of indifferent blah-ness I put my stake in the ground. Come December 20th if the money I needed for YWAM was there then I would go and that would be great, and if not…then God is still good. Well…come December 20th the money did not add up to what it needed to. I felt a variety of emotions, but if God says his timing and plan is perfect, then it is. What business does the creation have questioning the creator? Over the course of the next month after much prayer…I was accepted into nursing school and everything seemed to just be falling into place beautifully.
The first couple of weeks I really struggled to gain a passionate vision for where God put me. I desperately wanted to find and own a passion for what God had placed in front of me. I felt it easily for YWAM/mission work, but I was really having to dig deep to find it now, in this place…not in the "official" mission field in a third world country, but in the middle of dirty downtown Los Angeles.
This didn't look right. This didn't feel right. I felt as though my vision of working in a third world country was some how more valuable than working in a crowded city hospital in the states. I could not have been more wrong.
I have been in the program now for about 3 months and I can honestly say it is the most challenging thing I have experienced emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and/or physically. One thing God has made very clear to me is that the hurt here just as present as it is over in Cambodia, Haiti, or Liberia. Hurt is hurt. I feel as though my heart as a Christian yearns to offer hope, love, and healing. The hurt of third world countries is so easily seen and I didn't have to dig too deep to find my passion for them. It is not masked. There is nothing to hide behind. Their need for love and healing is so visually obvious, and they seem to greet help and healing with open arms. I find it so easy to have a heart for them. But here in the states there is plenty to hide behind: big homes, cars, designer clothing, and other worthless worldly nonsense. The hurt people carry around is hidden well, not obvious to the naked eye. If they are in need of any love or healing they sure do a great job hiding it! Love isn't as warmly welcomed…pride makes sure of it. God has boldly called me to examine my heart. I am commanded to love all people. All of them. All the same. All the time. Period. As I have been examining my capacity and conditions of love I have been so challenged. The Lord has been revealing so much to me. He has been giving me new eyes to see people and hurt.
I have been taking care of patients for the past few weeks. Each with very interesting and heartbreaking stories. One in particular really made an impression on me. She was a frail lady who was quite unsightly. She looked nearly double her age in every way. She was missing numerous fingers and teeth, her condition seemed to strip any noticeable feminine softness. I was equally struck with compassion and apprehension as I saw her. She was not a favorite amongst the staff: she had been refusing care and been verbally threatening. I had no idea how these next couple of days were going to go. As I approached her bedside to greet her I was surprised to meet a very delightful lady. We sat and talked for a while. She had a hard life. She was born into a cycle of jail, divorce, drunks, and drugs she made clear she wished she could have broken out of. Before I left I asked what she wanted me to help her with the next couple of days. Her only concern was getting a bible. She had a beautiful heart hidden beneath her hard exterior. I spent the next day in her room talking with her and taking care of her. It was a great day. She called me "honey child" and my heart left joyful and full. That day I was shocked at the amount and types of hurt felt by people in my own backyard. Prior to my patient encounters, this may not have been my idea of the "mission field", but it sure is now! The next day she had no memory of me. She was unpleasant and was reluctant to even speak to me, let alone let me care of her. Her few words stung and I found it harder to have natural patience and love. It is moments like this that have shown me lately how much I need Jesus. I need him to teach me to be loving to others regardless of their response. I need him to quiet my doubts and allow me to embrace where He has placed me.
I feel so blessed to be doing what I am doing. I can't go a day without prayer for strength, patience, and endurance…and I think that is a beautiful place to be. This year so far I have found shortcomings in reflection, passion in the midst of confusion, and strength in surrender. I am also learning patience, as my lifelong dream of working around the world are on hold for these next two years. In a way though, I feel as though God is telling me "have patience daughter, not now". I feel so blessed to be going to nursing school, thank God for my parents! They have been so supportive. I see now that He is absolutely blessing me with skills and knowledge that He can use for his glory…in His sweet time, in His way. I was totally missing out on what God was offering right in front of me. My perception of living for God translated into tunnel vision for third world missions, but living for God fully means living where God has you, wherever that may be. Living fully right now. Right here…not in the ways you entertain in your own mind.
If there is anything I have grown to embrace this year thus far it is that God can use you wherever you are regardless of what your perceptions lead you to believe. Don't let your "small" perceptions get in the way of what big things God is trying to accomplish in you and through you where you are at. Get out of the way, and let God. There is purpose lurking all around you, right now. Don't miss it. Don't belittle it. And don't be fooled, every person...near or far is hurting the same.
Everyone bares a God shaped hole, sometimes you might just have to look a bit harder.
