For Robbo...A Lot of Things at the Same Time.

I was in heaven the other day. 

            This side of heaven there are glimpses of heaven just about everywhere…if you look. 

You gotta look. 

            Then, other times you find yourself enveloped in it involuntarily.  Like that time when I was lost in the mountains of Utah and snowflakes kissed my face.  Or that time when I held my young life girl sopping wet from the water and tears after she was just dunked in the Woodleaf lake.  Or like that one time I was in Haiti and a little girl helped take out thorns in my sandals just to realize she was barefoot. 

            This time was different.  This time caught me off guard.  This time heaven found me in the last place I wanted to be.  It was at my dear friend Robby’s funeral.  We, the ninterns, were caught off guard and “invited” to come up and sing “Blessed Be the Name” to close your service.  “Are you kidding me?” my inner rebel grumbled.  My heart was filled with so much conflict.  I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you Robby.  None of us were.  I didn’t want to sing a song like that right then.  What I really wanted was to give way to the angst that had built up in my heart towards God for taking you so soon.  What I really wanted was for you to show up. 

            So, there I was.  There we were.  14 of us.  14 hearts that will miss your presence everyday.  14 friends who were missing their smile.  As Caleb said, in our body of friends you were the smile.  We stood in front of a packed two-story chapel in your hometown.  As the music cued up we all wrapped our arms around each other.  We fumbled through the words, singing the chorus loudly and trailing off in between.  We cried through the singing.  I couldn’t lift my head up for the first half of the song. My heart was so heavy.

            By the third chorus I muscled my eyes to look up and out.  I saw the hundreds of people.  Wow, Robbo.  Then, I looked at each one of us ninterns.  As I looked one at a time at them so many memories flashed through my mind of you with that person.  Memories of us all together.  I remembered the essence of you, Robbo.  Then, it hit me. 

You HAD shown up. 

I WAS in heaven.  And so were you.  And it all blended together. 

            The beauty of life entangled in despair and joy and hope and pain hit me all at once.  One eye’s tears were that of sadness.  The other now joy.  Both flowing at the same time.  The same time…Robbo.  You were a lot of things at the same time.  You were my best friend…and everyone else’s best friend.  You were so ridiculous yet so genuine and caring.  You were right in the muck of life and all it’s questions…yet so free and alive in it.    

            You embraced the messiness of life and in the midst of that…you lived.  Not many people can do that.  I find myself 99.9% of the time trying to “figure it out” so that I can live.  Like I’m just waiting to arrive at some place where then all of the sudden I can start.  It’s like everyone is chasing some shadow that haunts them, teases them with “wholeness” so they can begin.  You never chased that; you lived fully where you were.  You were present in each and every single little moment.  Oh, I admire you Robbo.  Katie Scudder’s speech for you was so beautiful and I feel she expressed this absolutely perfectly.  “We often run around this life wishing for more, waiting for our big moment, for the right time, or space, or quite honestly I don’t even know. We don't realize we have an expiration date…you weren't waiting for big moments like the rest of us are. Or how we are looking around thinking about if life will ever really start. You just lived big.”  http://nkbruce.blogspot.com/2013/12/to-robby-youll-never-expire.html

            You weren’t perfect.  And your awareness of that was refreshing.  You never were too proud to enjoy anyone’s company…you never thought you knew it all (Romans 12).  You were quite a mess at times.  And that’s why we love you so.  Your outrageous sweatiness (though you never smelled, impressive).  Your chia pet fro.  Your oh so infamous “Paine time”.  And that is what I have learned from you Robby Paine…that it is ok to be a mess and that you can’t to wait for a big moment to live.  That life is confusing and weird sometimes, but it is still so good.  That God is still so good.  There is still so much joy to be had in the muck of it all.   

            Thank you for being a lot of things at the same time...and teaching me to embrace that tension with joy.  Thank you for showing me that waiting for “big moments” is crap.  Thank you for showing me that now IS as perfect as anytime to start.  To live well.  To love well.  Thanks for being present.  Thanks for living and loving with abandon.  I will never forget you Robbo and I will miss you this side of heaven everyday until I meet you there…and I can finally fully embrace all the mess and all the joy all at once in it’s entirety, like you lived everyday here on earth doing.  Until then I will try to live as you lived…choosing to not chase the shadow you ignored so gracefully.  You just lived.  Thanks for giving me a glimpse of heaven.  I ruv you Robbo...and your oh so sweaty pawz.

Ruv,
RoRo